Angels & Needles

The buzzing of the clock tore through the night's silence and with that I finally accepted failure. My lungs were aching for air and I was drenched in sweat. After more then 7 hours of tossing and turning on the bed I finally quit. When you are dead tired the elixir of sleep comes really slowly. Add to that my present condition and you have an extreme case of insomnia in your hands.

'Some nights would be difficult. Really painful.'

I sat up and tried to steady my spinning head. My mouth felt dry & rough as a sandpaper. I gulped down some shallow breaths and tried rising to my shaking knees. Another failure added to the story of my life. I tried to scream, to curse, to cry the least but my physical exhaustion forced my hands down yet again. The red digits of the clock at my bedside showed it was 3 A.M, but it could've been the middle of a sunny day or a drizzle in the early hours of the evening for all I cared. I just craved for one thing. The only thing that had the power to transform my dingy little apartment into the grounds of heaven.

'Take control my friend. It would tempt you in so many ways. TAKE CONTROL'

I got up from the bed and moved towards the window. As I opened it, the stench of the filth and the humidity of the city hit me like a wall of bricks. My blood-shot eyes had that dazed look in them as I tried to peer through the darkness. The cityline was adorned with bedazzling lights but all I could see was the looming darkness in front of me.

"You will see things you would like to see. Reality becomes a dream and hallucinations the truth."

Another shot of pain rammed down my throat. I fell to my knees as my insides caught fire. I could actually feel by heart getting ready to burst out of my ribcage and my entrails twisting into a new shape. I could feel my skin melting away and the my bones turning to dust. A grasshopper's chirp halfway across the world could reach my ears and I felt the rush of the warm blood rushing towards my head. Bile and vomit rose towards my throat with a blood-curling scream intermingled with the shit. And just as it had started it passed.

"You have the strength to say No."

For a long time I stayed on the floor, infact I lost all sense of time. Only the floor's coldness and my own shaking persona were my companions. I tried to focus on the watch but everything around me was just a blur. Finally I started the crawl toward my desk. Every move I made sent down waves of pain through my body, but I've learnt to live with pain.
It pains when your heart gets broken.
It pains when you see someone else getting everything you deserve.
It pains when you loose the goal you had set out to achieve.
It pains to see the disappointment in the eyes of your loved ones.
It pains each time you insert the needle in your veins.

"Addiction is easy, recovery is not. Some days would just be like straight out of hell. You should throw away all the drugs as your first step."

I somehow managed to plant myself in the seat. I opened the drawer and took out the bottle and a hypodermic needle. I filled it with the clear liquid and rolled up my sleeves. For a second I forgot everything as I saw the numerous puncture wounds on my forearm. Each one of those tiny holes told of a larger story behind them. I closed my eyes and inserted the needle in my vein.

"Call me anytime you want."

My eyes fell on my cell. If only she wasn't 'out of coverage area'. If only I was able to talk to her, nothing would've come this far. My eyes welled up with tears as I realized that due to my weakness, I was loosing the battle we had been fighting for two months.
I still hadn't inserted the plunger, yet.

"You are not alone. I'm not only your counselor, I'm your friend."

The 'ping' brought me back to my own personal hell. I searched for the source and saw my computer was still on. I had forgotten to sign myself out of Gtalk also. It was a message. From MH. 'Hi'.
She was one of my classmates from college. Smart. Beautiful. Elegant. Intelligent. Considerate. And we had hardly ever talked to each other.
We were just acquaintances during all those years. Our conversations were limited to the customary Hellos and Goodbyes. After so many years of disconnect from everyone, her perfunctory greeting seemed like a ghost of the past. The bright, happy, joyous past. The past that killed me each day, little by little. I almost made up my mind to switch off my computer when she again wrote.
'I'm so glad you are online. Will you please talk to me?? I was just going to kill myself.'

"Don't worry friend. Everyone is going through this life, looking for their angels. You will find yours too."

I stared at the screen. At my apartment. At the drug filled needle still sticking into my arm. At the words flashing across the monitor. At the broken pieces of my life.
I took a deep breath to calm my shaking hands and tried to ease out the pain sledgehammering my mind. I took out the needle from my arm and threw it out of the open window. Suddenly, I could make out the lights of the city and the faint glow of rising sun in the backdrop.

"Talking to someone helps. It gives you strength. The will to fight, to survive. Share your pain my friend."

'What happened MH?', I typed back.


-----

Skillet were right. Angels show up in the strangest of places.

Like mine did a week back, at 3 A.M in the night !!! and when I was least expecting it. This one is for ya. :P
AND no, I wasn't doing drugs AND NO she wasn't thinking of killing herself (Amen).. tats why the online's friend's initials are in the reverse.. :D you'll get it 'HM'.

It is also for one of my philosophies... actually Raj Kapoor's or rather Shailendra's to be exact... "Kisi ki muskurahaton pe ho nisar...Kisi ka dard mil sake to le udhaar..."

If you want to forget your own pain, be compassionate towards others problem, try to listen to them if not solve them. It works. Trust me. ;)
PEACE till the next.

Time for a Heartbreak :-/ OR Shotgun is a Man's Best Friend :D

"Is it time already?"

"Yes sir,it is. Time to break your heart sir."

"Oh well, we both knew this would happen sooner or later. Anyways, will you bring my shotgun up please?"

"I already have it here sir. Have cleaned it all, in and out and have also put in two extra rounds for contingencies, sir."

"You are the best butler ever. Even Jeeves can't match up to you."

"Thank You Sir."

------

Don't know whether am down or feeling like on 7th heaven. But this is for sure P.G Wodehouse is the best writer EVER. :D

The Coup- Part 7

THE KEY TO IT ALL

The last rays of the sun kissed the skyscrapers before vanishing into the growing darkness. Soon the white light of the half moon would be casting shadows even in the darkest of streets. While the night life of the city started to awaken from it's slumber, a lonely figure observed the kaleidoscope of lights taking place across the city from her window.

Her jet black, shiny hair were tied in a pony, while two loose strands of them carelessly fell upon her dainty, gentle shoulders, kissing her neck from time to time. She was a tall girl, with a small scar on her right eyebrow. She was not your classic beauty but it was her confidence, her persona, the zeal she radiated and her never back down attitude in the face of difficulties that made her attractive. Her kohl rimmed eyes held a spark which one just couldn't ignore. A sweet innocent smile constantly played on her lips, cloaking the steely resolve she held within her and the sharp practical mind that decided a course of action in minutes. A girl of beauty, soul and substance.
She was the girl everyone had been talking about.
The person on whom the fate of the world depended upon.
Raul's human.

Archie.


-----


As soon as Aris flew from the garden of Eden he knew that time has also joined his list of adversaries. He flew as fast his wings could carry him. The moment Shreyaan would've told God of his intentions, the almighty would've passed the order of his death. Before his pawns could reach him, Aris needed to get to Archie.


-----


Archie smiled at the dog in the apartment across the road. She adored dogs. She remembered the overweight Labrador back home with her parents. Her parents. Brother. She missed all of them. If only her job hadn't brought her so far away from them, she would've surely spent every weekend with them.
'Well at least it gives me the chance to date', she thought,'which you don't' a voice inside her replied back. She started laughing at this point, looking lovingly at the pictures of her family and herself which adorned the walls. 'God, I miss them'.

A whooshing sound brought her back to her senses. A dark shadow was looming across the sky, coming towards her building.
'Too large for a bird, maybe a large bat?' she thought as she came closer to the window peering through the darkness to figure what it was. As it came towards her, she made out it was a bat. A large human sized bat.

SMAAASSHHHH !!!!!

The glass shattered into a thousand little pieces as the silent sound waves emitted by the bat struck it. It was a good thing the window was closed, else if the sound waves had struck directly, their sheer force would have burst every vein and capillary in Archie's body. But instead she only lost her balance and fell outside.

Her scream acted as a backdrop for the cacophony of the city behind her. Just as the reel of her life started rolling in front of her eyes, she found herself falling,upwards.She had closed her eyes due to the shock but she could feel two strong arms holding her and the whooshing sound much nearer this time.

'Wait here' she heard a voice as her feet found something solid beneath them. She slowly opened her eyes and found herself on the roof of her building. As the initial shock wore off she could make out a figure flying away from her and towards the bat.

Both of them collided with each other and she heard the breaking sounds of bones. The entangled figures hung in the air for some time still struggling and then suddenly dropped towards the earth.

Her mouth opened wide but no voice escaped her throat.

She slowly reached the ledge and peered down. A white winged figure hovered over the stirring body of the large bat. The wings of the bat were twisted backwards at an unnatural angel and blood oozed out of his mouth. She watched in horror as the winged figure reached out and broke the bat's neck in two.


-----


Arius glided back towards her. Her pale faced was flooded by the moonlight. Her eyes were filled with amazement, wonder, terror, and numerous questions.
'She can easily give all the fairies a run for their money' he thought.

'Hello Archie. My name is Aris and I'm your guardian angel.' He lied.

Archie looked back at him, swayed like a pendulum and fainted

Just Old Friends

At first sight the room seemed like any normal room of a feisty 16 year old girl. But whether one can notice the subtleties which defines the person residing in here, whether she'll allow yourself to become a part of her existence or not,
depends largely upon the wish of the mistress of the room.

I was part of her once. Till she moved towards him.

A razor sat on the table on which fresh drops of blood glistered. One corner had a stack of Domino's boxes. The ashtray was filled with butts of Rothman's finest. A half finished Smirnoff casted it's spell on anyone who dared to look at it. A bookmarked copy of 'Catcher in the Rye' and a dogeared diary were the only signs of any literacy pieces in the room.

Her Kohl rimmed eyes bored through me and automatically my eyes dropped in shame. If they held tears or pain I might've had made it alright. Instead a fire burned in them. A fire fuelled by passion, confidence, zeal. Her face was a beacon of hope and determination. Determination to succeed, to make her plans works, to achieve everything she desired for, to lay her demons to rest.
And more the positiveness radiated from her the more inadequate and incomplete I felt.

And then she sighed. It held all the pieces of broken trust, pain, unfulfilled desires and expectations of her warm caring heart and that drove me further into the pits of despair. She didn't complained and that drove the dagger of guilt further in. She didn't screamed and that made me wish that she would tear my chest with the razor and pull my heart out.

"You don't understand. You won't understand..." her words trailed on.
It wasn't as if I didn't want to. I just couldn't. her mood swings made it difficult, my lack of compassion made it impossible. So many times she had tried to reach to me for comfort and so many times I had turned away. Wasn't it natural that she moved towards the one who did tried to comprehend the turmoil in her mind and soul. Who always stood by her. Was her rock when she needed him to hold on to and her best friend when she wanted someone to listen.
Completely natural.

Her phone rang. Must be him again.
"You should better go"

I silently reached the door and looked back. She was smiling, laughing into the phone. I purred hoping she will take me in her arms but he had already transported her to his world.
My eyes lingered on the Smirnoff. How I wish I could drown my sorrows in it.

As I jumped down the stairs to get to my dinner bowl, I realised a cat only has milk as his companion in anguish.


--


I can't say it's an original. One thing inspired me. And another idea I tweaked according to my convenience for giving the whole treatment.

Inspiration: a fellow blogger Trillian's collage which she has used for her blog's header.

Treatment: a short story by Jeffery Archer 'Just Good Friends'. (The title itself is a tribute)

888

The much awaited sequel to 88.

X----------------------------------------------X

“I’m gonna tie you up now.” said Rebecca.

AR couldn’t believe his luck. 3 hours earlier he was sitting in a bar, nursing a deal gone bad, a cold beer soothing his parched throat and now he was in bed with a smokin’ hot girl, who was more than ready to fulfill all his desires.

“You are doing a good job up there God” he thought, “screw one deal a month and give me something like this any day.”

Rebecca took two off colored handcuffs and cuffed him to the bedpost. She sat top on him and started kissing him. She started rubbing his shoulders and dug her nails into them from time to time. The pain combined with the effect of Rebecca’s hardened nipples touching his chest, started sending waves of pleasure down AR’s spine. His dick was erected to its full length and frantically begged to find solace in her warm pussy. Rebecca started nibbling his ear lobe and AR started to rub his hot rod on her small, tight ass.

“Mmm…someone or rather something is getting desperate” she said in a husky whisper, “But it will still have to wait darling.”

“I’m going down on you.” She whispered into his ears.

Before the signals telling AR’s throat to utter ‘Yeah Baby’ could finish their journey, he felt her soft fingers firmly holding his dick and stroking it.

AR could only manage a grunt of pleasure before Rebecca took it into her mouth. He felt her warm tongue licking it and the pressure of her teeth from time to time. She started nibbling at it and with each stroke the resultant stimulus increased the ecstasy manifold for AR. He felt her hand caressing his balls and as she squeezed them felt his skin tighten further as his thing increased its size.

“You’ve got a monster here” she smiled, “An untamed demon. Just don’t get too excited and finish it before I have even begun”

AR wanted to say something witty, something funny but no words came to him. Maybe seeing such a naked hot girl between his legs or the fact that she was hungrily taking mouthfuls of his major was the explanation of his speechlessness but one thing was certain, words or not, AR was living his fantasy.

In all the times he had never even imagined he could reach this size. The male in him was feeling very proud. He pitied all the girls who had rejected him earlier.“You missed it gals. You missed a hell of a pleasure ride” his mind boomed.

Rebecca’s voice bought him back to the bed.“You will be my number 888.” Her voice suddenly had an edge to it. Her tone was aggressive and as soon as AR saw the hunting knife in her hands he knew he was in a real mess.

“What?? What are you doing babes? I’m not much game for snuff sex sweetheart.” AR’s voice trembled.

Rebecca had a look of a hungry tigress on her face but the gentleness was back in her voice.“I have a fetish for those things darling. I already have a collection of 887 and you have a very special monster with you. But don’t you worry, you’ll be my prime collection or rather your dick will be. ”

AR tried struggled to break open his handcuffs but to no avail.He stared in horror as Rebecca went into a dreamlike state, staring fixatedly at his dick.

She suddenly looked at AR and smiled.

“Item number 888.” She said and with a slash chopped AR’s dick off.

7 Days & 18 Hours

7 Days & 18 hours.

7 days of backpacking across India and 18 hours of total sleep I got in between.

7 days of total ecstasy and euphoria & 18 hours of the realisation that a soft bed comes only third to sex and vodka.

I travelled to the City of Nawabs-Lucknow, My home & the capital of this country-New Delhi, the financial capital-Mumbai and in the end the oxford of India-Pune. And in between I squeezed a lil village called Taregaon near Pune.

I travelled in the luxury of Rajdhani's coach, in total comfort in Shatabdi's chair car, travelled in the cramped environment of the Mumbai local, sat idly in the Mumbai-Pune Volvo & watched a mindless flick called 'Partner', travelled in an inter city local, almost got duped by the local Auto wallahs and finally slept through the cacophony of a sleeper class.

I ate Aloo vada, batata vada, idli, biryani, matar paneer for lunch and dinner. I smoked hashish with a big hearted and breasted Austrian lady, drank two bottles of vodka with my elder brother cum best friend and almost missed my 5 fucking 30 A.M local and gave my ice cream to a lil beggar girl.

I met a kayastha family from Delhi settled in Mumbai for the last 25 years who treated me coldly at first cause they thought I was Muslim because of the long kurta I was wearing, eyed their beautiful, young, married but not happy daughter, met a confused railway clerk who had just been offered a job as a manager in some hot shot company and also has gotten a call from Bihar police, met a girl doing her biotech from Bangalore a city of which she was sick of, totally blasted the interview panel I was facing in Pune, met a CRPF officer who went out of the way to make my stay comfortable.

And in the end presented a sight to 50 dumbstruck people who'll never forget it as long as they will live.

I entered the sleeper coach's waiting room attired fully in a two piece suit wearing a crisp shirt, a great tie and shining black shoes. 15 minutes later I departed from the room wearing shabby clothes and nondescript sleepers in feet leaving everyone wide eyed and giggling.

7 days & 18 hours.

I've just tasted life with no wings attached.

The Proposal

Ritika stepped on the escalator and I followed her, two steps behind.
“Lunch was great wasn’t it? I loved that…”

I had known her for the past four months but felt as if she had been a part of my life since forever. We had hitted it off during our lunch hours, become quite close between all those coffee breaks and shared laughter amid our cigarette smoking.

I had decided to ask her to marry me two weeks back. Since we were both orphans I was spared the task of ‘Meeting the Parents’ and just had to walk into a jewellery store and spend more than half of my savings to buy that perfect diamond ring for her. I also didn’t have to ask my parents whether they can think of Ritika as their daughter-in-law, infact they would’ve had disapproved of every girl I would’ve had wished to marry.

“Wait till you meet them.You are gonna love them…”

I kept listening to her sweet voice, without heeding to the words and kept playing with the ring in my pocket. Should I ask her to marry me? Should I beg? Or will threatening her do the trick?

We reached the top and I saw two young men smiling back. My heart shrank as I saw the joy on Ritika's face as she saw them.

“This is Abhinav my boyfriend and this is his brother Avinash…guys this is Soumya, my colleague and my bestest friend”

I tried to keep despair off my face as my whole world came crashing down on me. My shattered dreams pained my eyes and brought tears to them, yet I controlled them somehow. The ring fell from my pocket as I took out my hand from my pocket to take Avinash's outstretched hand. As I knelt down to pick it up, Abhinav went down on his knees besides me and said “Will you marry me Ritika?”

--------

This was to be my entry for the Ascension contest at 'The Clarity of Night' but alas the word count became its enemy and by the time I could resend it the contest had closed. Yet I wanted to know what people thought about it so here it is at your mercy. Till next time. Adios.

I Saw Her

I changed the metro at Kashmere gate for Rithala. I had to be in another part of Delhi and taking the Metro was the only economical & practical option available to me.

She entered the car with a friend of hers and from that moment onwards, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her, atleast for the next 20 minutes. She was not exactly beautiful, infact she was far from the conventional sense of beauty, yet there was something about her which I can’t fathom, and guess never will be able to, that held my attention. She was wearing a cherry-red colour jacket over a creamish sweatshirt and faded stone washed blue denims. She was more on the wheatish side with shoulder length dark brown hair styled unevenly which gave her a wind swept look. She had no curves, no long legs and no breasts to speak of but at that moment was easily the most desirable girl in the world for me. She was carrying an overflowing bag, most probably filled with books to the limit and was from Gargi College, since she was wearing the college’s sweatshirt and I could read 'GARGI' written over to the left side of her sweatshirt. She had an unsmiling face with slight bags under her eyes and looked pretty tired, infact she looked relieved to be in the metro and having a chance to relax for a while. She was leaning against the door and like a puppy I was staring at her, hoping that I would get an opportunity to start a conversation with her.

She was totally oblivious of her surroundings and didn’t even notice any of her fellow companions, especially one of them who was precipitating despite of the morning chill. She either kept her eyes fixed outside of the window beside me or decided to give them a rest from time to time.
She had a relaxed appearance and a calm aura surrounded her. She looked as if she wasn’t in any hurry to reach anywhere and gave the impression of a smart, intelligent and sensible person. She had the quality of a confident and in control kind of a person which was well evident from her body language.

She was someone maybe with whom I would’ve had loved to share a coffee, talk, hold a conversation, listen to her views and try to get to know her a little better. She gave me the impression that maybe this was the kind of girl I would like to share my life with, share all my happy moments and tell her all my worries. She was the kind of girl I would’ve had liked to wake up every morning, snuggle to, bring a smile to her face, make her childish fantasies true and listen ‘I Miss You’ from.

With a jolt the metro stopped at Rithala and we both got out. I jumped the stairs two at a time and rushed towards an auto, without even glancing back at her and pushed her out of mind as soon as the auto started moving. For me it was over, a chance meeting, a time we will share but of whom she’ll remain unaware and I’ll treasure. For me she was lost in the land of the human mass forever.

But fate had other plans.

I rushed back to the station 3 hours later to reach CP as soon as possible to meet my girl.
After a long wait I finally got a ticket and entered the overflowing coach of the Metro. And there she was, in the crowd, right in front of me sitting serenely. But this time I didn’t feel any of the previous emotions that had rushed through me. I hardly noticed her and kept glancing at my watch, calculating at what time I would be able to reach CP and for how long my girl would’ve been waiting.

Both of us again departed at the Kashmere gate station and as before I bolted towards the exit without a second thought in my mind.

This time we had parted ways at last.

Or have we???

oNE WiLD NighT

Pre-Script: I was drunk as I had originally written this...drunk as in totally wasted...with no sense of time, direction, stairs, person, food or something else for that matter. There might be some mistakes in there but even as I re-edit it am not gonna rectify them...originality matters. And besides what fun it would be if I didn't have a drunk, insanic post in my blog???

31st December 2008/ 1st January 2009

Finally my craving to get drunk and my wish to have a hangover are fulfilled. It's 7 in the fucking morning, 1st January 2009 and pretty chilly. The fog is quite thick right now and I have just driven 20 miles in half conscious state with two of my buddies (actually one is drunk and was asleep the whole time...still is {& remained so late till the afternoon}) acting as my eyes and mind (I couldn't see a bloody thick chain cordoning off the entry of one of the roads and almost drove through ot) with the sounds of Bon Jovi and Linkin Park blaring through the speakers to keep me awake and with prayers in our hearts for the dearth of the traffic cops,to finally have a cup of coffee in the comforts of my own home.

The plan was simple. My home was supposed to be the venue (since my parents are conveniently out of town) and we were supposed to have a house party and get drunk on vodka, GUYS ONLY!! But all plans have a habit to go awry and what good is a man who can't derive the best out of a worst situation. 'We' were just four guys, GK..the man...my blood brother...the closest friend I have. Meena...a school buddy..budding script writer and director. Pawan..the boyfriend of my ex-'s sister..my big bro cum best friend. & finally, yours truly... the brain behind the whole idea...the man with the thousand nicknames and thousand plus one smiles.

The first setback happened in the morning when I ran out of cash. By the time I got to the Bank it was closed and the only thing I could do was to call GK and ask him to get the moolaah. GK had problems of his own by the way. His brother has wiped off his account of all the cash and had left him broke. Still he managed to scrape through somehow.

The second pitfall happened late in the evening when three of us were waiting for Pawan to reach my place and controlling ourselves not to start drinking the pure Smirnoff right away. That's when he called to say that he can't make it cause some dumb asshole of a guy had punctured both the tires of his bike. Instead of loosing hope and playing into the hands of despair, I took command & decided to move the party to Pawan's house. With no cash left in any of our combined pockets and minimum of petrol in the car, I drove the 20 miles to his place in my trusty car with fuckingly best fuel efficiency.

The pain in my head is searing, eyes blood shot and puffy from lack of sleep and the brain. an old has been sword, jaded and rusted. GK is snoring away to glory while Meena is desperately trying to sleep. I have made eggs for myself for this early morning breakfast and am still reading the message my ex- sent me after I had talked and somewhat screamed at her after she had pissed me off.

We planned to go bowling before drinking but here despair outplayed us. The malls were closing just as we reached there, which was surprising cause we had thought this was New Year's Eve and at least malls will be open at least till 12. With slightly dashed hopes but still with some spirit we went back home to our bottles of vodka and the now ice cold chicken and play out the original plan.

Meena broke the seals and I did the honours of pouring out the pegs for everyone. And then Pawan's gf called up and he went out of the room to talk to her. We like good old fashioned guys threw obscenities at him for walking out on us, kept drinking while litting up cigarettes after cigarettes and kept the mood swinging. We recalled our school days and welcomed nostalgia to the group, I proved to GK that he ain't in love, prodded Meena that his love calls me her sweetheart and flirts like anything, I boasted that her cute lil 11th class sister thought I had a sexy voice and then 'she' called.

I had read somewhere that the best cure of a hangover is sprite and tomatoes ( had read on Sia's blog) and something else to do with curd. But with lack of luck I'm out of tomatoes, sprite, curd. lemon, bananas, vegetables, or any kind of food for that matter. I roam around the house to find something to do instead of sleeping, inspite of the weariness and the tiredness am not ready to give rest to my eyes, atleast not yet. My mind keeps acting like a pendulum, swinging this way and that, restless, wishing for something to think about but all thoughts pouring out of mind like water from a hand, unable to concentrate and form a coherent thought.

I had been waiting for my girl to call me and actually didn't expect that my ex- will wish to talk to me when the clock will chime 12. We started talking and wished each other (actually I did, she ain't too keen on the concept of special days...New Years, B'days, Anniversaries etc etc.) and then my special girl called. I hung up and began my struggle with the jammed networks to listen to her sweet voice again. After a struggle of half -an-hour I was finally able to bore through the vodafone-airtel networks and talk to her.

I returned to my medicine after having a brief chat and then my ex- called up again. I listened to her audacious talk, spoke some angry words and put the phone down. And I passed out after 12 minutes. I found out in the morning that my cell had run out of balance, was low on battery and by some godforsaken miracle it was blocked!!!

Still later I found out how I had blabbered to Pawan that what a great and nice guy he really is and am gonna tell his gf not to trouble him much.

The world outside is blue, devoid of the rays of the sun yet there is nothing sad or depressing about the concrete landscape. It is the New Year's first day and the scene gives me the feeling of peace and tranquility. It gives me the sense of hopefulness that everything good will happen for everyone of us.

I messaged my ex- apologising for my behaviour the night before. And

I'm still to message everyone who wished me throughout the last two days (yup people started from 30th).

And now I gotta sleep cause I can't keep my eyes open.

PEACE.

& A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU !!!

& we ate a half cooked, ice cold chicken for dinner.

Towards Nirvana...with Smirnoff & Rothman

The smoke swirled around his head for some moments before dissolving into the night. He threw away the stub and for the first time in a hour took air into his lungs without the accompanying fumes.

The stale smell of tobacco engulfed him and he could taste the acrylic butt of the cigarette intermingled with the burning aroma of vodka. His insides were on fire but it was the fire within his mind & soul that had forced him to take the cheap course of 'the stick & the drink'.

You will die one day... Your smoking will kill you ...stop doing this to yourself...please...

He was tired of gazing at the stars. He wanted to get up from the cot and go downstairs and sleep in his bed. He wished for a good life, a comfortable life, without much worries, much pain. He wished for so many things. He wished for amnesia. To forget everything and live life afresh. He wished her to come back. He wished his present girl to love him back. He wished for the uncertainty of his existence to go away. He wished for stronger stuff. Something that would choke his lungs with smoke, taking out all the air and leave him gasping for his breath. Something that would burn his throat more effectively and set his insides on fire with a new zeal. Something.. anything to deviate his mind from this feeling of helplessness.

"If only I would've foreseen this and arranged for some dope..."

Please don't ever leave me...even if you would have to fake your love and care just do it...be around me forever... never leave me...

In the end she was the one who left him.

You gave her your best shot but it was not meant to be...accept it and move on...

He lit another stick.

"If only...". He forced his mind not to dwell on this line of thinking. If that would have had happened, he would've been wishing for something else altogether. Human mind always wish for something else, it is never satisfied with what it has in his hands. "How will a person who has nothing left to wish for live??" he mused and abandoned the thought as soon as it was formed.

Everything is written...whatever has to happen will happen...that is inevitable...

He needed more juice in his drink but discarded the thought aside for he wanted a searing pain in his head the next morning. A hangover he desperately craved for but which has evaded him throughout his life. No matter how much alcohol he take, he always woke up the next morning fresh, a little late but without any effects of the night before.

"That would be a welcome change... I'll welcome all the physical pain in this world just to forget this heartache". He poured more rum and whiskey into his glass instead and gulped the cocktail down in one go. It wasn't a warm night and the chilly wind entered his loose shirt and made his body cold, yet he didn't feel a thing. Every drop of the amber coloured liquid sent blazing, warm shivers in his body. Every pore radiated a hotness he had never felt before.

She had come back into his life that morning only. Crying. But he didn't feel a thing. He didn't allow himself to feel a thing. He pitied her, felt sympathetic but that was it. He would've felt the same for anyone else he knew. He didn't feel the same special way as he did before when he was with her.

You have killed the feeling of love in yourself...you don't love her..you don't love your present girl...you don't love anyone...

He recalled the conversation he had with his present girl. Poor baby is herself going through a lean patch,trying to figure out her calling in life.Poor girl.

You don't love me...you think you love me...you want yourself to believe that...

"What would she say??" the image of another girl sprang to his mind. She loved him or at least she said she loved him. A smile started to appear on his dry lips. "Definitely she is gonna go bonkers...dead sure she'll use all the obscenities she knows".Cute. Pity he was always so cruel towards her. Always made her cry even when he didn't want to.

Will you ever say 'I love you too' back to me???

He lighted another cigarette and took in a long drag."Well that's a new personal record, two packs in a hour"

Life was throwing curveballs at him and like everyone in this world he was not backing down. He had no option...No one has any options...Everyone plan and everyone's plans go awry, yet no one learns and they keep following the bloody vicious circle.

"One day my life will slow down and I'll be in total control of it...I'll fucking attain nirvana, will be unaffected by everything...will be more indifferent then I'm today...more cynical...and who knows even figure out happiness"

He threw away the half finished cigarette.

Atleast now he could boast about something to the girl who loved him.

She would be so happy.

"Here is your knife ma'am..."

"... or would you prefer something shinier?? how about this one with the green handle?? brings out the colour in madame's eyes...No?? then how about this shotgun?? custom made to fit nicely in ones handbag and comes with a small mirror attached, so you can check out the makeup after you've shot someone...".

Being living in Delhi for more than a decade I'm eagerly awaiting for the time when I would be able to accompany my sweetheart to a shop and buy her a knife or a gun or better still a rocket launcher(hope they have it in pink colour). All my woes which crop up whenever I have to buy something for my sisters (cause it is rakshabandhan, cause it is their birthday, cause they had to walk in that particular cafe where I was having coffee with my baby at that exact moment when we were...never mind) will be gone forever because I can give them custom made bazookas, with Barbie stickers of course.

In the past two days, I read two blogs posted by two persons from the opposite sex dealing with the same problem and having the same core issue in both of them.'Pseudo Intellectual' and 'BoHeMiAn RhApSody'. Both of them wrote about the bad experiences they had with guys/uncles/bastards/slimeballs/fucked up assholes(take your pick) and didn't quite painted a very rosy picture of the world outside for the fairer sex. It was clear from peoples reaction that they were outraged and sympathised with them but none of them showed any signs of surprise,especially the girls, it was as if it was just another day in their lives(applaud to every Women in this world, you might not have bulging biceps but the strength in all of you is unmatched).

First of all I apologise to anyone who might think that I'm taking this as a joke, believe me after whatever I've seen in the roads,buses and markets of Delhi and have heard from my female friends, what they have to ordeal each day, I take this very seriously and feel pretty strongly about it too.

Although usually I'm a very peace loving, calm and nonviolent person, always using my wits instead of my strength but the way guys treat women brings out the worst( I think of it as my best though) in me.

I got many female friends and have heard the most disgusting of stories, seen girls breakdown because of what they have to go through and witnessed the most rowdiest of crowds misbehaving. And every time I've fumed and did everything in my abilities to be of any assistance.

Two years back I was travelling in a bus,totally jam packed, when I noticed two guys purposedly leaning on a girl. She must be right out of school, small and petite, looked like a fresher and was terrified of what was happening to her(I gather it was the first time she was stepping out from the security of her home and travelling alone). I don't know whether anyone else saw that terrified look in her eyes but I did and on that moment I did something I never thought myself of doing. I asked the girl to exchange places with me which she silently did and after that started the longest staredown in the history of mankind(or at least that history which concerns me). Both of the guys were pissed at what I had done and were staring at me right in the eyes with pure unadulterated hatred, as for me I was smirking, hoping, eagerly praying to God to just let them do anything just to pick up a fight, even a 'HI' would have been sufficient for giving me an opportunity to knock both of them out of the bus (this continued for the next 20 minutes or so). As usual Devil came to their rescue before God heard my prayer(that's the trouble with the world, the Almighty takes so much of time to do anything while Satan is so swift..no wonder there is more evil on Earth) or rather there good sense prevailed (don't intend to boast but I'm 6'1 and have quite a daunting personality) and they got off the bus, two stops later the girl also left the bus and gave me a faint little smile and the feeling of satisfaction finally swept over me(Atleast now I'll get a place in Heaven for 20 minutes).

This incident isn't the only one in my life, I never had many fights in my life but every time I picked a fight it was always when some guy was misbehaving with some woman. Had a fight in my college with my classmates who used to comment on the girls in the corridors (I never hang out with them), threw out two drunk guys from a dhaba on a road trip, blasted a guy off when he tried touching my mom in the market(mom never found out this...I caught his hand as he was trying to touch her),and tried protecting my sisters and girlfriend in a mob(I make a very good wall mind you).

I'm not a hero and I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet. I know I was lucky in most of the cases and I understand everything could have gone horribly wrong for me. I understand violence is not the answer(although it does take the attention away from the question) but I also know that reasoning also fails with perverts. I also fail to understand why sometimes sensible, educated man do such things and here I might add that I've seen people from the most lower class acting truly like a gentleman.

There is no sure shot way of dealing with people like these but the first and foremost step is ought to be taken by the ladies themselves. Gone are the days of submissiveness and turning down your gaze, it is the time of action and reaction, the time to teach every jerk in this world a lesson they will never forget. Banish them, humiliate them publicly, better still beat the hell out of them to tell them what you are made of. As for the guys I don't think standing coolly around the corner, smoking, being able to do 100 push ups or being able to jerk off every 15 minutes makes you a Man, hell you can't even consider yourself a Dude or Stud for that matter. When you see a lady in trouble offer her help, see a lady standing in a bus or metro give her your seat, see anyone misbehaving with a girl atleast stop them and call for the police.

Although I've done my share of bad things, seen girls on the road and near colleges and thought "Hell she is HOT !!", have smiled at girls and tried to strike up a conversation but have never made any girl uncomfortable with my looking at least(hell I never see a girl below her face for that matter), never touched anyone inappropriately, never made any lewd gestures, have tried to behave in the most chivalrous manner and the gave the proper respect a lady deserves.

I just hope to God that soon there may be a dearth of topics such as these and no one has to go through such situations again.

-dedicated to all the Women of the World.