Reliving Nightmares

Eduardo opened his eyes to see shadows playing on the ceiling. He woke up from his fitful sleep and tried to find the bottle of water. She hadn't put it by his bedside, again. he looked at her side of the bed, still empty. For how much time I'm supposed to apologize, he thought.

Eduardo was drenched in a cold sweat and shaken to the core of his soul. He was reliving the same nightmare again and again and again. He tried to stand up on his feet but his knees kept buckling. 'Inches away. Inches away from me' he thought. He tried to calm himself down but every time he got close to peace, the red figure came back in his mind, charging towards him. And then he shot.

No one had blamed him at first but then at that time no one had got the time to mull over things. But now everything had changed, everything was different. Someone had to be the scapegoat. No one remembered his past achievements, the applauds he had earned. The shadow of this failure had cast an eclipse on everything he had achieved.

He went to the window to see the lights of Lisbon beckoning him. It was a common phenomena around the world. The cities never sleep.

He went downstairs to get some water. He saw the lights coming from the living room. As usual she had forgotten to switch off the Television.

The highlights of the earlier game were playing across the screen. Puyol leaping across the German defense and putting the ball in the net.
The faces of the German players flashed across but it was the German goalkeeper whose dejected face imprinted in Eduardo's heart. Eduardo could relate to his state of mind. He picked his cell and typed, 'It is alright Neuer. Good game.' and sent it to him.

With a heavy heart Eduardo looked at his wall where his Portuguese jersey was framed.


-----

Goalkeepers are an unsung lot. Confined to their 18 yard boxes, under total pressure to save every shot fired at them and ALWAYS overlooked. David Villa, Ronaldinho, Muller, Klose, Messi, Tevez , Sneijder may have cult following but hardly anyone sings laurels in the praises of the Goalkeepers (except maybe when they can't hold onto the ball...remember Robert green of England??) Once in a lifetime maybe one can hear of names like Buffon, Oliver Kahn or maybe Van der Sar. The silver lining??? The best best goalkeeper in the world, Spain's Casillas, has the HOTTEST GF of all the WAGS. Beat that Beckham. :D

On an ending note the above post is inspired by the goal scored by Villa against Portugal in the WC-2010.

3 D's & Yours truly

I fumbled with the matches. Should I or shouldn't I? As I contemplated on the answer to the dilemma I poured another shot of vodka in my glass.

I've forsaken my lungs, my liver is on a downward spiral but the agony of my mind & soul find respite only when my senses are not working at their very best.
For someone who preached that one ought to give proper respect to the Vodkas & the Cigarettes of the world and enjoy them instead of using them to douse the fires within, I admit I've taken the low road myself.

NO. I'm not depressed yet. I'm going through a trough in my life but it's just a phase. I know. After 20 years on the top one has to come down once in a while. Call it the Yin-Yang balance if you want to.
I will not vindicate my position but I'll definitely oppose the idea that I'm turning into an addict and to strenghten that I'll just dissect the special bond I share with the 3D's. Drinks, Drugs & the Deathstick.

I glorify the 3-D's in almost all my posts. The misunderstood 'Three Musketeers' of the real world. I do not miss an opportunity to mention at least one of them in all my conversation and literacy pieces. I won't suggest to anyone to drink or smoke but I'll definitely give them hell who'll try to paint my world in their colours of Black & White. I'm not fascinated by the effects of these substance abuses, actually I consider them as mere props to my character. My fascination with them are intermingled with my attraction towards the Byronic Hero.

The tragic hero of Lord Byron, idealised but flawed. Smart, cunning, magnetic, mysterious yet laced with simple human traits of jealousy, hatred, cynicism, arrogance and the self destructive tendencies makes him not only believable but also attainable. I admit being an X-men (specially Gambit) or Flash would be much more valuable (God help the World Bank then) and interesting (peek-a-boo ladies) but the sense of practically compels meto think more on the line of being the attainable Joker instead of the idealised sugarcandy Superman.
I never wanted to be a Mr. Goody-two-shoes asshole infact the dark black or even grey characters always made me feel connected to their torments. Be it the John Abraham of Jism, Irrfan Khan in Rog, Muzammil in Dhokha or Emraan Hashmi in Awarapan I relate to everyone of them at some level. Infact the New age Dev D seemed more like me didn't come as a surprise out of the closet. I'm definately not suicidal but the idea of finding solace in death intrigues me. I don't have a maniacal-sadistic trait in me but 'the ego' drives me. I'm not the guy whom you'll want to end up in a dark alley with me in a raging mood but I'm the guy whom you would like to turn to when you are down and out and everyone is against you.

The fact is that I'm an idealistic SOB in the end is part of the truth too. I still believe in the simple emotions of love & friendship. I believe in the goodness of others. And to those who lack in compassion, care and love, those who've forgotten all the good things that happened to them, all the times someone was there to hold them and support them when they considered themselves alone, I just have hope in my heart for them. That's me. I'm capable of nothing less then eternal hope.

And I'm full of contradictions. Part of the charatcter.

Till next time. PEACE.

Towards Nirvana...with Smirnoff & Rothman

The smoke swirled around his head for some moments before dissolving into the night. He threw away the stub and for the first time in a hour took air into his lungs without the accompanying fumes.

The stale smell of tobacco engulfed him and he could taste the acrylic butt of the cigarette intermingled with the burning aroma of vodka. His insides were on fire but it was the fire within his mind & soul that had forced him to take the cheap course of 'the stick & the drink'.

You will die one day... Your smoking will kill you ...stop doing this to yourself...please...

He was tired of gazing at the stars. He wanted to get up from the cot and go downstairs and sleep in his bed. He wished for a good life, a comfortable life, without much worries, much pain. He wished for so many things. He wished for amnesia. To forget everything and live life afresh. He wished her to come back. He wished his present girl to love him back. He wished for the uncertainty of his existence to go away. He wished for stronger stuff. Something that would choke his lungs with smoke, taking out all the air and leave him gasping for his breath. Something that would burn his throat more effectively and set his insides on fire with a new zeal. Something.. anything to deviate his mind from this feeling of helplessness.

"If only I would've foreseen this and arranged for some dope..."

Please don't ever leave me...even if you would have to fake your love and care just do it...be around me forever... never leave me...

In the end she was the one who left him.

You gave her your best shot but it was not meant to be...accept it and move on...

He lit another stick.

"If only...". He forced his mind not to dwell on this line of thinking. If that would have had happened, he would've been wishing for something else altogether. Human mind always wish for something else, it is never satisfied with what it has in his hands. "How will a person who has nothing left to wish for live??" he mused and abandoned the thought as soon as it was formed.

Everything is written...whatever has to happen will happen...that is inevitable...

He needed more juice in his drink but discarded the thought aside for he wanted a searing pain in his head the next morning. A hangover he desperately craved for but which has evaded him throughout his life. No matter how much alcohol he take, he always woke up the next morning fresh, a little late but without any effects of the night before.

"That would be a welcome change... I'll welcome all the physical pain in this world just to forget this heartache". He poured more rum and whiskey into his glass instead and gulped the cocktail down in one go. It wasn't a warm night and the chilly wind entered his loose shirt and made his body cold, yet he didn't feel a thing. Every drop of the amber coloured liquid sent blazing, warm shivers in his body. Every pore radiated a hotness he had never felt before.

She had come back into his life that morning only. Crying. But he didn't feel a thing. He didn't allow himself to feel a thing. He pitied her, felt sympathetic but that was it. He would've felt the same for anyone else he knew. He didn't feel the same special way as he did before when he was with her.

You have killed the feeling of love in yourself...you don't love her..you don't love your present girl...you don't love anyone...

He recalled the conversation he had with his present girl. Poor baby is herself going through a lean patch,trying to figure out her calling in life.Poor girl.

You don't love me...you think you love me...you want yourself to believe that...

"What would she say??" the image of another girl sprang to his mind. She loved him or at least she said she loved him. A smile started to appear on his dry lips. "Definitely she is gonna go bonkers...dead sure she'll use all the obscenities she knows".Cute. Pity he was always so cruel towards her. Always made her cry even when he didn't want to.

Will you ever say 'I love you too' back to me???

He lighted another cigarette and took in a long drag."Well that's a new personal record, two packs in a hour"

Life was throwing curveballs at him and like everyone in this world he was not backing down. He had no option...No one has any options...Everyone plan and everyone's plans go awry, yet no one learns and they keep following the bloody vicious circle.

"One day my life will slow down and I'll be in total control of it...I'll fucking attain nirvana, will be unaffected by everything...will be more indifferent then I'm today...more cynical...and who knows even figure out happiness"

He threw away the half finished cigarette.

Atleast now he could boast about something to the girl who loved him.

She would be so happy.

"Here is your knife ma'am..."

"... or would you prefer something shinier?? how about this one with the green handle?? brings out the colour in madame's eyes...No?? then how about this shotgun?? custom made to fit nicely in ones handbag and comes with a small mirror attached, so you can check out the makeup after you've shot someone...".

Being living in Delhi for more than a decade I'm eagerly awaiting for the time when I would be able to accompany my sweetheart to a shop and buy her a knife or a gun or better still a rocket launcher(hope they have it in pink colour). All my woes which crop up whenever I have to buy something for my sisters (cause it is rakshabandhan, cause it is their birthday, cause they had to walk in that particular cafe where I was having coffee with my baby at that exact moment when we were...never mind) will be gone forever because I can give them custom made bazookas, with Barbie stickers of course.

In the past two days, I read two blogs posted by two persons from the opposite sex dealing with the same problem and having the same core issue in both of them.'Pseudo Intellectual' and 'BoHeMiAn RhApSody'. Both of them wrote about the bad experiences they had with guys/uncles/bastards/slimeballs/fucked up assholes(take your pick) and didn't quite painted a very rosy picture of the world outside for the fairer sex. It was clear from peoples reaction that they were outraged and sympathised with them but none of them showed any signs of surprise,especially the girls, it was as if it was just another day in their lives(applaud to every Women in this world, you might not have bulging biceps but the strength in all of you is unmatched).

First of all I apologise to anyone who might think that I'm taking this as a joke, believe me after whatever I've seen in the roads,buses and markets of Delhi and have heard from my female friends, what they have to ordeal each day, I take this very seriously and feel pretty strongly about it too.

Although usually I'm a very peace loving, calm and nonviolent person, always using my wits instead of my strength but the way guys treat women brings out the worst( I think of it as my best though) in me.

I got many female friends and have heard the most disgusting of stories, seen girls breakdown because of what they have to go through and witnessed the most rowdiest of crowds misbehaving. And every time I've fumed and did everything in my abilities to be of any assistance.

Two years back I was travelling in a bus,totally jam packed, when I noticed two guys purposedly leaning on a girl. She must be right out of school, small and petite, looked like a fresher and was terrified of what was happening to her(I gather it was the first time she was stepping out from the security of her home and travelling alone). I don't know whether anyone else saw that terrified look in her eyes but I did and on that moment I did something I never thought myself of doing. I asked the girl to exchange places with me which she silently did and after that started the longest staredown in the history of mankind(or at least that history which concerns me). Both of the guys were pissed at what I had done and were staring at me right in the eyes with pure unadulterated hatred, as for me I was smirking, hoping, eagerly praying to God to just let them do anything just to pick up a fight, even a 'HI' would have been sufficient for giving me an opportunity to knock both of them out of the bus (this continued for the next 20 minutes or so). As usual Devil came to their rescue before God heard my prayer(that's the trouble with the world, the Almighty takes so much of time to do anything while Satan is so swift..no wonder there is more evil on Earth) or rather there good sense prevailed (don't intend to boast but I'm 6'1 and have quite a daunting personality) and they got off the bus, two stops later the girl also left the bus and gave me a faint little smile and the feeling of satisfaction finally swept over me(Atleast now I'll get a place in Heaven for 20 minutes).

This incident isn't the only one in my life, I never had many fights in my life but every time I picked a fight it was always when some guy was misbehaving with some woman. Had a fight in my college with my classmates who used to comment on the girls in the corridors (I never hang out with them), threw out two drunk guys from a dhaba on a road trip, blasted a guy off when he tried touching my mom in the market(mom never found out this...I caught his hand as he was trying to touch her),and tried protecting my sisters and girlfriend in a mob(I make a very good wall mind you).

I'm not a hero and I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet. I know I was lucky in most of the cases and I understand everything could have gone horribly wrong for me. I understand violence is not the answer(although it does take the attention away from the question) but I also know that reasoning also fails with perverts. I also fail to understand why sometimes sensible, educated man do such things and here I might add that I've seen people from the most lower class acting truly like a gentleman.

There is no sure shot way of dealing with people like these but the first and foremost step is ought to be taken by the ladies themselves. Gone are the days of submissiveness and turning down your gaze, it is the time of action and reaction, the time to teach every jerk in this world a lesson they will never forget. Banish them, humiliate them publicly, better still beat the hell out of them to tell them what you are made of. As for the guys I don't think standing coolly around the corner, smoking, being able to do 100 push ups or being able to jerk off every 15 minutes makes you a Man, hell you can't even consider yourself a Dude or Stud for that matter. When you see a lady in trouble offer her help, see a lady standing in a bus or metro give her your seat, see anyone misbehaving with a girl atleast stop them and call for the police.

Although I've done my share of bad things, seen girls on the road and near colleges and thought "Hell she is HOT !!", have smiled at girls and tried to strike up a conversation but have never made any girl uncomfortable with my looking at least(hell I never see a girl below her face for that matter), never touched anyone inappropriately, never made any lewd gestures, have tried to behave in the most chivalrous manner and the gave the proper respect a lady deserves.

I just hope to God that soon there may be a dearth of topics such as these and no one has to go through such situations again.

-dedicated to all the Women of the World.

Tenses

Past, Present and Future. The main three tenses of the English language. And the three states which prevail in everyones life, all interconnected and each and every one of us struggling to make peace with at least one of them.

Some of us are worried about our future, struggling with the unknown, scared of the uncertainties, and living each day to figure out what next life might throw back at us.

And then there are the ones coping with the past, the unnerving fight to make amends with everything that has happened, trying to tidy up the mess that was created by them and struggling to put the pain behind them.

The 'present strugglers' are fighting to live happily or to them just being alive will suffice. They are the ones who have accepted that they can't change the past and have no hope for the future so the only priority they have got to live the present moment and add it to there kitty of 'things-that-worked-out-in-the-past'.

There are one another type of strugglers too in this world and actually these are the ones who hold the majority. The 'All of the above' group and I know about this one with all the details because I'm a part of this godforsaken community.

The most misunderstood of them all, me for starters trust people, the ultimate sin of them all by what I've heard, some think the most major mistake I make is that I believe in the goodness of others and where there is no chance of any good coming out, I just hope.

I never signed up to be hurt but I did and from some of the most unexpected quarters, People who used to say I was very important to them forsook me and worst of it all I forgave each and every one of them, took in the pain and tried to put it in the basement and threw away the key. I tried my level best to be understanding and follow the codes of civility but to no avail. I still remained the bad guy in there books and I'll always remain that,I have accepted this.

But alas these are the moments, when everything just starts to settle down, it is when the most strongest and opportunistic of them all, strikes back as if it has been waiting for all this time just to catch you off guard. The past comes rushing by with his sword of memories and arrows of deja vu and this is the time when the actual struggle begins.

The smallest of words, the simplest of gestures, the most melodious songs, and sometimes people, places all conspire against you (unwittingly) and bring back all the moments you were trying to forget. The most delightful of conversations with friends causes you to reach for the phone and pour out your sadness to someone who you believe (and hope) cares. The most unintentional reactions of someone brings all the anger within you to the surface.

And then there are his siblings Present & Future both of them just as unforgiving. The strikes of the future are compounded by the aid lent by the Present.

But what is the reason of all these struggles? To make our future more brighter or to improve all the decisions we have already taken?

Of what I've learnt is that this is not a fight and definitely not a struggle. this is simply a pursuit. A Pursuit of Happiness and Peace. This is life. To learn from everything that has happened to us, to make sure we do not do it again in our present and hence totally rule out the chance of finding us in the same situation in the future. The three tenses Past, Present & Future are not the devils of our lives, they are just what you think of them to be. They can be your nemesis and at the same time they can be your best friends. Its you who have to decide what they are going to end up like.

As for me, if you are wondering that maybe from all the bad experiences I have stopped hoping, stop believing and thrown trust out of the window you can't be more wrong. I was always an optimistic and guess will always remain one. I'm capable of nothing less than eternal hope.

Its just that I've learnt to make walls around my basement.Works fine for me against the dirty little tricks the Past plays.

Let me know what works for you.

The Way I am...

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The Gray Side

And the end credits started to roll...


I was smiling from ear to ear on such a awesome piece of roller-coaster ride and my brother next to me was also quite pleased with this piece from the joint production of Disney and Jerry Bruckhemer and the mind of Gore Verbnski...

If you still haven't gotten what piece i'm talking about,well then i guess you are one of the rare people left on this planet untouched by the movie franchaise "Pirates of the Caribbean".

But this is not a film review of that...(though i'm tempted and who knows maybe write about it too!!).
It is about one thing in it which triggered my thought process...


Pirates here were potrayed as 'The Good Guys'(inspite of their sticking to their backstabbing) while The Protector of the Seas(who else the The East India Company) were left planning their downfall.
Both the soldiers and the pirates parished in this fight but in the end it was the Company's ship that was wrecked and its soldiers who had to abandon ship.



So does that mean that we have actually started treating "BAD" as the new 'in' thing??(after all films just show what we wanna see..)

and its not only about something shown in the 'Pirates'

Spiderman-3 also showed the dark side having an upper hand.(tats another story tat Mr. Parker came to his senses in the end but hey thats a superhero flick...good is supposed to triumph in the end)

or come closer to home...'Shootout at Lokhandwala' potrayed the gangsters as such a RockStars...and if i remember correctly most of our indi pics made up on them do...(should i even start saying the names??)

some will argue that i'm basing everything upon just some imaginary pieces.
Well then i'll say these pics maybe based upon someones imagination but the fact remains that,as far as my practicality says, he made these because he thought the audience is gonna like it,he poured money in because his business sense said that the people outside are gonna pour their money to see it.
It is our mindstate.

Ohkay lets for sometime forget the testbooks and then the most quotes you'll hear (with the word 'good' in it) are...
"good guy never wins"
or "being good never pays"
or somethings like that...call it as a result of our social-political scenario but the truth is this sort of feeling has come into our minds.
Everyone sternly believes that being good never pays off and is the hardest of the paths to follow.


strangely i'm a strong supporter of this type of thinking...

however there is another saying which i abide by more.
"Good is only a way of seeing things"
What might be good for you doesn't necessarily means might be good for others.
So goodness and badness automatically becomes just perspectives,which change for different people.

The good people out their might(and i've a feeling they will) protest but let me make this very clear that i'm not talking in the context of anything evil but just plain old 'Bad'...
both of which are different for me...

While killing,looting,rapes and even bribery are evil deeds for me...
being a little somewhat selfish,egoistic and maybe yeah opportunistic too broadly defines 'Bad' for me...

Even being manipulative, i consider as bad, but only when i feel i'm using my friends to fulfill my job.
while at the same time one of my friend tried to reassure me(he is one of the one,who i feel i use most so i told him very apologetically) by saying "...this is not called using,this is called seeking help from who is the sweetest pal of yours" but still i'm not satisfied with that answer.

Oh but yeah i do agree these pangs of guilt only surfaces when i'm asking my friends to do something...
If there is someone whom i hardly know or whom i do not consider a friend i'm quite sure i'll be at my manipulative best without a feeling of remorse...

and its not only me... most of my friends agree that they can't claim themselves to be good because they also do have vices...vices which can't be ignored and truly takes them out of the contention to be called Good...

So do you consider that as bad???
Well i don't...
I don't because of the simple fact that i expect myself to be human and i do believe that humans are not good or bad,not white or black but we trod on somewhat of a grey area...
We will try to achieve our goals ruthlessly but will show compassion and caring too...
maybe trod on others feet but surely extend a hand in the times of troubles and maybe that is what being human is all about...
not being bad or good,sinister or benign,evil or righteous but just walking on the edge.

Maybe thats why earth is considered to be between hell and heaven...
And humans between Angels and Demon...

Oh and as i started this with a little something from films,
I must make one last point, all of these films might've shown the Bad side having an upper hand but it was the 'Good' which won in the end.

except in pirates but hey theres was a different kind of good in it...

and Company's plotters were upto doing everything bad.

so even our filmakers know that inspite of our colours being grey,its the whiteness which is dominant over the black colour...