"Whatever has happened once, will not happen again..but what has happened twice is bound to happen for the third time..." - Paulo Coelho from "The Alchemist"

Towards Nirvana...with Smirnoff & Rothman

The smoke swirled around his head for some moments before dissolving into the night. He threw away the stub and for the first time in a hour took air into his lungs without the accompanying fumes.
The stale smell of tobacco engulfed him and he could taste the acrylic butt of the cigarette intermingled with the burning aroma of vodka. His insides were on fire but it was the fire within his mind & soul that had forced him to take the cheap course of 'the stick & the drink'.
You will die one day... Your smoking will kill you ...stop doing this to yourself...please...

He was tired of gazing at the stars. He wanted to get up from the cot and go downstairs and sleep in his bed. He wished for a good life, a comfortable life, without much worries, much pain. He wished for so many things. He wished for amnesia. To forget everything and live life afresh. He wished her to come back. He wished his present girl to love him back. He wished for the uncertainty of his existence to go away. He wished for stronger stuff. Something that would choke his lungs with smoke, taking out all the air and leave him gasping for his breath. Something that would burn his throat more effectively and set his insides on fire with a new zeal. Something.. anything to deviate his mind from this feeling of helplessness.
"If only I would've foreseen this and arranged for some dope..."

Please don't ever leave me...even if you would have to fake your love and care just do it...be around me forever... never leave me...
In the end she was the one who left him.

You gave her your best shot but it was not meant to be...accept it and move on...
He lit another stick.

"If only...". He forced his mind not to dwell on this line of thinking. If that would have had happened, he would've been wishing for something else altogether. Human mind always wish for something else, it is never satisfied with what it has in his hands. "How will a person who has nothing left to wish for live??" he mused and abandoned the thought as soon as it was formed.

Everything is written...whatever has to happen will happen...that is inevitable...

He needed more juice in his drink but discarded the thought aside for he wanted a searing pain in his head the next morning. A hangover he desperately craved for but which has evaded him throughout his life. No matter how much alcohol he take, he always woke up the next morning fresh, a little late but without any effects of the night before.
"That would be a welcome change... I'll welcome all the physical pain in this world just to forget this heartache". He poured more rum and whiskey into his glass instead and gulped the cocktail down in one go. It wasn't a warm night and the chilly wind entered his loose shirt and made his body cold, yet he didn't feel a thing. Every drop of the amber coloured liquid sent blazing, warm shivers in his body. Every pore radiated a hotness he had never felt before.

She had come back into his life that morning only. Crying. But he didn't feel a thing. He didn't allow himself to feel a thing. He pitied her, felt sympathetic but that was it. He would've felt the same for anyone else he knew. He didn't feel the same special way as he did before when he was with her.
You have killed the feeling of love in yourself...you don't love her..you don't love your present girl...you don't love anyone...

He recalled the conversation he had with his present girl. Poor baby is herself going through a lean patch,trying to figure out her calling in life.Poor girl.

You don't love me...you think you love me...you want yourself to believe that...

"What would she say??" the image of another girl sprang to his mind. She loved him or at least she said she loved him. A smile started to appear on his dry lips. "Definitely she is gonna go bonkers...dead sure she'll use all the obscenities she knows".Cute. Pity he was always so cruel towards her. Always made her cry even when he didn't want to.
Will you ever say 'I love you too' back to me???

He lighted another cigarette and took in a long drag."Well that's a new personal record, two packs in a hour"

Life was throwing curveballs at him and like everyone in this world he was not backing down. He had no option...No one has any options...Everyone plan and everyone's plans go awry, yet no one learns and they keep following the bloody vicious circle.

"One day my life will slow down and I'll be in total control of it...I'll fucking attain nirvana, will be unaffected by everything...will be more indifferent then I'm today...more cynical...and who knows even figure out happiness"

He threw away the half finished cigarette.
Atleast now he could boast about something to the girl who loved him.
She would be so happy.


Nothingman said...

I bet you are using more than smokes, vodka, whisky and rum.

Dude, and please keep love out of drinking. It spoils the fun of both.

Girls, well what do I say, to each his own I guess :)

Hope you are doing ok.


Sakshi said...

You want me to react here? I thought i said enough the other night. You are mixing up everything that you should just.not.mix.

Duh. Grow up and follow N's advice for a change for you dont listen to me.

"How will a person who has nothing left to wish for live??"
You want me to tell you what all to wish for? You have enough to wish for yourself and if you exhaust that list we can work on my never-ending list. :D
You can go about making your best frns dreams come true and forget about your ex-gf or the present girl who doesnt love you or the other girl who you dont love.

We know all of this rixxy. You promised something. Keep it.

And start commenting on my blog or i'll kick you you-know-where and how. :D


Nothingman said...

fuck yaar, yeh mere blog pe to itni lambi comment kabhi nahi likhti...


oye chill maar yaar


Antriksh Satyarthi said...


i never mix drinking n love mate...will be an insult to both....btw i don't usually mix anything in my drinks...am a neat guy[:D]

i had a feeling you'll get preachy..i appreciate it...
n i was just thinking bout that..i got my own 'to do' list to go through first...

where in the heck i wrote tat,that guy is me?? waise its me(made it too obvious?? what gave me away?? drinking? smoking?? increasing list of girls?? what?) but for the sake of writing i took some artistic liberties..chill...
am not depressed or anything... waise the look of concern totally soothed my ever increasing ego...THANKS !!!

Anonymous said...
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Julian said...
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