Angels & Needles

The buzzing of the clock tore through the night's silence and with that I finally accepted failure. My lungs were aching for air and I was drenched in sweat. After more then 7 hours of tossing and turning on the bed I finally quit. When you are dead tired the elixir of sleep comes really slowly. Add to that my present condition and you have an extreme case of insomnia in your hands.

'Some nights would be difficult. Really painful.'

I sat up and tried to steady my spinning head. My mouth felt dry & rough as a sandpaper. I gulped down some shallow breaths and tried rising to my shaking knees. Another failure added to the story of my life. I tried to scream, to curse, to cry the least but my physical exhaustion forced my hands down yet again. The red digits of the clock at my bedside showed it was 3 A.M, but it could've been the middle of a sunny day or a drizzle in the early hours of the evening for all I cared. I just craved for one thing. The only thing that had the power to transform my dingy little apartment into the grounds of heaven.

'Take control my friend. It would tempt you in so many ways. TAKE CONTROL'

I got up from the bed and moved towards the window. As I opened it, the stench of the filth and the humidity of the city hit me like a wall of bricks. My blood-shot eyes had that dazed look in them as I tried to peer through the darkness. The cityline was adorned with bedazzling lights but all I could see was the looming darkness in front of me.

"You will see things you would like to see. Reality becomes a dream and hallucinations the truth."

Another shot of pain rammed down my throat. I fell to my knees as my insides caught fire. I could actually feel by heart getting ready to burst out of my ribcage and my entrails twisting into a new shape. I could feel my skin melting away and the my bones turning to dust. A grasshopper's chirp halfway across the world could reach my ears and I felt the rush of the warm blood rushing towards my head. Bile and vomit rose towards my throat with a blood-curling scream intermingled with the shit. And just as it had started it passed.

"You have the strength to say No."

For a long time I stayed on the floor, infact I lost all sense of time. Only the floor's coldness and my own shaking persona were my companions. I tried to focus on the watch but everything around me was just a blur. Finally I started the crawl toward my desk. Every move I made sent down waves of pain through my body, but I've learnt to live with pain.
It pains when your heart gets broken.
It pains when you see someone else getting everything you deserve.
It pains when you loose the goal you had set out to achieve.
It pains to see the disappointment in the eyes of your loved ones.
It pains each time you insert the needle in your veins.

"Addiction is easy, recovery is not. Some days would just be like straight out of hell. You should throw away all the drugs as your first step."

I somehow managed to plant myself in the seat. I opened the drawer and took out the bottle and a hypodermic needle. I filled it with the clear liquid and rolled up my sleeves. For a second I forgot everything as I saw the numerous puncture wounds on my forearm. Each one of those tiny holes told of a larger story behind them. I closed my eyes and inserted the needle in my vein.

"Call me anytime you want."

My eyes fell on my cell. If only she wasn't 'out of coverage area'. If only I was able to talk to her, nothing would've come this far. My eyes welled up with tears as I realized that due to my weakness, I was loosing the battle we had been fighting for two months.
I still hadn't inserted the plunger, yet.

"You are not alone. I'm not only your counselor, I'm your friend."

The 'ping' brought me back to my own personal hell. I searched for the source and saw my computer was still on. I had forgotten to sign myself out of Gtalk also. It was a message. From MH. 'Hi'.
She was one of my classmates from college. Smart. Beautiful. Elegant. Intelligent. Considerate. And we had hardly ever talked to each other.
We were just acquaintances during all those years. Our conversations were limited to the customary Hellos and Goodbyes. After so many years of disconnect from everyone, her perfunctory greeting seemed like a ghost of the past. The bright, happy, joyous past. The past that killed me each day, little by little. I almost made up my mind to switch off my computer when she again wrote.
'I'm so glad you are online. Will you please talk to me?? I was just going to kill myself.'

"Don't worry friend. Everyone is going through this life, looking for their angels. You will find yours too."

I stared at the screen. At my apartment. At the drug filled needle still sticking into my arm. At the words flashing across the monitor. At the broken pieces of my life.
I took a deep breath to calm my shaking hands and tried to ease out the pain sledgehammering my mind. I took out the needle from my arm and threw it out of the open window. Suddenly, I could make out the lights of the city and the faint glow of rising sun in the backdrop.

"Talking to someone helps. It gives you strength. The will to fight, to survive. Share your pain my friend."

'What happened MH?', I typed back.


-----

Skillet were right. Angels show up in the strangest of places.

Like mine did a week back, at 3 A.M in the night !!! and when I was least expecting it. This one is for ya. :P
AND no, I wasn't doing drugs AND NO she wasn't thinking of killing herself (Amen).. tats why the online's friend's initials are in the reverse.. :D you'll get it 'HM'.

It is also for one of my philosophies... actually Raj Kapoor's or rather Shailendra's to be exact... "Kisi ki muskurahaton pe ho nisar...Kisi ka dard mil sake to le udhaar..."

If you want to forget your own pain, be compassionate towards others problem, try to listen to them if not solve them. It works. Trust me. ;)
PEACE till the next.

oNE WiLD NighT

Pre-Script: I was drunk as I had originally written this...drunk as in totally wasted...with no sense of time, direction, stairs, person, food or something else for that matter. There might be some mistakes in there but even as I re-edit it am not gonna rectify them...originality matters. And besides what fun it would be if I didn't have a drunk, insanic post in my blog???

31st December 2008/ 1st January 2009

Finally my craving to get drunk and my wish to have a hangover are fulfilled. It's 7 in the fucking morning, 1st January 2009 and pretty chilly. The fog is quite thick right now and I have just driven 20 miles in half conscious state with two of my buddies (actually one is drunk and was asleep the whole time...still is {& remained so late till the afternoon}) acting as my eyes and mind (I couldn't see a bloody thick chain cordoning off the entry of one of the roads and almost drove through ot) with the sounds of Bon Jovi and Linkin Park blaring through the speakers to keep me awake and with prayers in our hearts for the dearth of the traffic cops,to finally have a cup of coffee in the comforts of my own home.

The plan was simple. My home was supposed to be the venue (since my parents are conveniently out of town) and we were supposed to have a house party and get drunk on vodka, GUYS ONLY!! But all plans have a habit to go awry and what good is a man who can't derive the best out of a worst situation. 'We' were just four guys, GK..the man...my blood brother...the closest friend I have. Meena...a school buddy..budding script writer and director. Pawan..the boyfriend of my ex-'s sister..my big bro cum best friend. & finally, yours truly... the brain behind the whole idea...the man with the thousand nicknames and thousand plus one smiles.

The first setback happened in the morning when I ran out of cash. By the time I got to the Bank it was closed and the only thing I could do was to call GK and ask him to get the moolaah. GK had problems of his own by the way. His brother has wiped off his account of all the cash and had left him broke. Still he managed to scrape through somehow.

The second pitfall happened late in the evening when three of us were waiting for Pawan to reach my place and controlling ourselves not to start drinking the pure Smirnoff right away. That's when he called to say that he can't make it cause some dumb asshole of a guy had punctured both the tires of his bike. Instead of loosing hope and playing into the hands of despair, I took command & decided to move the party to Pawan's house. With no cash left in any of our combined pockets and minimum of petrol in the car, I drove the 20 miles to his place in my trusty car with fuckingly best fuel efficiency.

The pain in my head is searing, eyes blood shot and puffy from lack of sleep and the brain. an old has been sword, jaded and rusted. GK is snoring away to glory while Meena is desperately trying to sleep. I have made eggs for myself for this early morning breakfast and am still reading the message my ex- sent me after I had talked and somewhat screamed at her after she had pissed me off.

We planned to go bowling before drinking but here despair outplayed us. The malls were closing just as we reached there, which was surprising cause we had thought this was New Year's Eve and at least malls will be open at least till 12. With slightly dashed hopes but still with some spirit we went back home to our bottles of vodka and the now ice cold chicken and play out the original plan.

Meena broke the seals and I did the honours of pouring out the pegs for everyone. And then Pawan's gf called up and he went out of the room to talk to her. We like good old fashioned guys threw obscenities at him for walking out on us, kept drinking while litting up cigarettes after cigarettes and kept the mood swinging. We recalled our school days and welcomed nostalgia to the group, I proved to GK that he ain't in love, prodded Meena that his love calls me her sweetheart and flirts like anything, I boasted that her cute lil 11th class sister thought I had a sexy voice and then 'she' called.

I had read somewhere that the best cure of a hangover is sprite and tomatoes ( had read on Sia's blog) and something else to do with curd. But with lack of luck I'm out of tomatoes, sprite, curd. lemon, bananas, vegetables, or any kind of food for that matter. I roam around the house to find something to do instead of sleeping, inspite of the weariness and the tiredness am not ready to give rest to my eyes, atleast not yet. My mind keeps acting like a pendulum, swinging this way and that, restless, wishing for something to think about but all thoughts pouring out of mind like water from a hand, unable to concentrate and form a coherent thought.

I had been waiting for my girl to call me and actually didn't expect that my ex- will wish to talk to me when the clock will chime 12. We started talking and wished each other (actually I did, she ain't too keen on the concept of special days...New Years, B'days, Anniversaries etc etc.) and then my special girl called. I hung up and began my struggle with the jammed networks to listen to her sweet voice again. After a struggle of half -an-hour I was finally able to bore through the vodafone-airtel networks and talk to her.

I returned to my medicine after having a brief chat and then my ex- called up again. I listened to her audacious talk, spoke some angry words and put the phone down. And I passed out after 12 minutes. I found out in the morning that my cell had run out of balance, was low on battery and by some godforsaken miracle it was blocked!!!

Still later I found out how I had blabbered to Pawan that what a great and nice guy he really is and am gonna tell his gf not to trouble him much.

The world outside is blue, devoid of the rays of the sun yet there is nothing sad or depressing about the concrete landscape. It is the New Year's first day and the scene gives me the feeling of peace and tranquility. It gives me the sense of hopefulness that everything good will happen for everyone of us.

I messaged my ex- apologising for my behaviour the night before. And

I'm still to message everyone who wished me throughout the last two days (yup people started from 30th).

And now I gotta sleep cause I can't keep my eyes open.

PEACE.

& A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU !!!

& we ate a half cooked, ice cold chicken for dinner.

Where have the Jokers gone???

The most important of all the senses god bestow upon us is without doubt the Sense of Humour.

You can do away with smell when you are passing through the streets of Mumbai, eyes can always take a hike when flipping through channels(except in the cases when Katrina Kaif is on the screen...obvious exceptions), sense of touching is of no use when you have no one [:)] to touch, as for taste,if you've eaten south Indian once you've eaten it to last a lifetime ( if you've eaten a lot at 'Sagar Ratna' then maybe you'll understand what motions run through my mind and belly at the mere mention of it) and lastly as for the sense that provides us with hearing, well when horns are blaring at you in a Delhi traffic jam you'll wish you were born deaf.

All in all it is the Sense of Humour which don't have any ill effects (except maybe if you laugh at someone else's expense who looks like a cross between Batista and Khali and you are a poor copy of Rey Misterio then my friend you are in a lot of trouble and have all my sympathy with you).

Well my friends and me used to have this in abundance, the ability to laugh at others, make others laugh with us and when it really mattered make everyone laugh at someone we actually didn't liked. My best friend and me were quite a lethal duo in the last department, in fact the only time I was beaten was the one when I had pissed the guy really off and he was almost in tears, twisting and turning my dearest arm while I was laughing out so loud that I couldn't defend myself and my useless Partner-in-Crime was busy rolling on the floor laughing (with the whole class mind ya). Although with hindsight I can preach that laughing at someone else's expense can be quite hilarious provided it is safe (read the Batista-Khali scenario again) and clean but at that time we were the laughing duo, who disrupted the peace of the class and with whom even the class monitor used to laugh when we were suppose to play lambs (which mind ya is quite bewildering, I mean c'mon have you ever been with a bunch of lambs?? They make more racket then a mob of Manchester United fans).

Me and my mates have gone through a lot but always had each other to pass on the worries and laugh at our miseries. We still make fun of others and each other, sometimes even raising doubts over another persons sexual orientation and manliness (cheap jokes...hitting below the belt but we are usually drunk or high,in our defense, so it doesn't matter), even once in a while prove that the other person is pregnant and the fact that the other person is a guy never bothered us (am the only one with biology written as a subject in his HSC certificate but still I keep mum and enjoy the festivities never telling them that it is impossible... or is it??? haven't a guy given birth recently?? I tell you in this world of 'man-playing-god' anything is possible, even me getting a decent percentile in CAT or Kulu getting a job or Gaurav finally figuring out his love life).

Inspite of all the laughter and joy we share something has added up in our life which have changed all of us a lot. From simple carefree guys who used to idle away there time to glory without a thing to worry about in the world suddenly all of us have started trodding on the path of becoming Man. Real men like our fathers with responsibilities, commitment, troubles and problems on our minds (my parents were thinking of marrying me off to thrust some responsibity in me & the only thing that stopped them was my threat that then I'll leave my pesky kids on their door step while me and dearest will be out there earning our chikkan tikka and rumali roti, and trust me after raising me, ma & pa aren't be interested in rearing even 50% of my DNA for half a day). Studying like never before to get into a good college, worrying about the job at hand, going to the office at 7 and returning at 9, calling other pals to ask them whether they can post a resume to a company, screaming 'fucking hell' when the dean has banned their placement, worrying about finances and actually learning what really happens in the share market just to make a lil extra cash we all do it while planning for the life ahead.

The realisation that the era of our 'I-don't-give-a-damn' attitude is over is quite sad but that is reality for you. Reality continues to ruin my life.

And by the way there is a saving grace for me after all.

Bill Watterson said “Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.” Thankfully I learnt a lot of them during my course of life.

I'm a simple man in the end.

Although yesterday I wished for a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles yet I'm a simple man.

I just got complex tastes.